The Journey Begins

(I don’t get to the point)

It was the year 2003. My husband saw me walking the halls of our overly bricked and outdated high school. I was in a heated relationship since 9th grade…(a year prior) so I was clueless to his existence. But apparently our lockers were close and we shared the same homeroom. To be quite honest, until I became the CEO of my ADD I probably was clueless to many things. Or he was a creeper? Anyway, he met me in 2003 without my knowledge.

Fast forward 5 “painful” (physical and distressed) years to 2008. I got extremely sick of hurting and hiding it that I ended it. A month or two later… I get the word that my husband has liked me ever since high school and that he thought I was the prettiest girl in it. (Insert “meh” emoji). I started to believe the putdowns the last 6 years so, it was hard for me to believe him. But I was a newly released bird ready to fly (honestly into college and surround myself with marijuana, alcohol, and sex) but for the beginning we’ll just say FREEDOM! I Didn’t care if he thought I was the second or the third prettiest, who cares! I’m free and I’m ready. I wasn’t ready. I talked with him into the early morning laughing and having the time of my life that summer. But I was heading onto college and well… he didn’t trust college so we never started anything. I already told you about the college life so fast forward to 2012.

By now I dropped out (•cough* suspended for below GPA required grades) of college, had CHILDREN (plural) and in yet another painful relationship. Not too painful this time around but enough to where at the age of one, I became a single mom. It also couldn’t have been that painful because after reconnecting with my now husband for 3 great months, I stopped talking to him cold turkey and got back with their dad for (I’d say a day… not even). I went to bed that night and I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. His names Clint. Not the dad… but the guy who had a crush on me since 9th grade, who watched me walk down the halls, and tried to check my relationship status from time to time. Pre-Facebook era. Who I just ghosted (young term) out if nowhere. No warning… just disappeared? He moved on, I didn’t. Maybe one or two here and there? But I had enough sex in college that the next 3 years were all about me and my boys.

Let’s move on to 2015. A good year… Clint broke up with his current lady friend, I knew it, and I did whatever I could to get his attention. I would wake up thinking about him and go to bed thinking about him. But because in his mind I was this ghost, it never got anywhere. He’d get drunk and tell me I’d be an amazing wife, I’m so beautiful, he wishes he could have me… to shy, reserved, sober…and barely talking the next day. This lasted a year. On October of 2015 we finally met up and had a 3 hour date that to us, felt like 5 minutes. A month later he came over, and said “so we gonna do this”? Now we’re married, he adopted the twins and we had another boy. Not at all in that order but it sounds better to a conservative reader.

So… this would be an AMAZING fairytale if it were all true. I mean, it is… except for that heartfelt feeling you got right at the end there like, if for the first time you were reading a real life “happy ever after”. Unfortunately I was introduced to my ADHD/ADD? early 2015. I didn’t hide it.. I educated him on it… but as time went on it got worse and worse. We are happy together… but the ADD is “THE” argument and we can’t escape it.

“The world couldn’t be any weirder if it tried” – Jessica Duzeski

NIGHT LAUNDRY WHAT?

I just folded and put away clothes that were recently washed while everyone was asleep.

If you’re a parent with your neurotransmitters in check, this post isn’t for you!

I’ve seen it done in the movies and honest, swear on my grave, have always wanted to do that. My brain and my body feel feelings and energy like no tomorrow. So when the house is asleep I feel so much at peace. My body starts to slow down, my brain distresses (it doesn’t stop thinking… completely separate), my whole world is good. The problem is…

It’s ME, PHONE, ALL INCLUSIVE JESS TIME which usually doesn’t include stupid laundry or any other household chore that’s mundane.

I get tired… I get tired like everyone else so I start to go cross eyed, heavy eyelids, forget what I’m doing, entering a dream… it’s weird,

Tonight I don’t know what came over me but I wanted to do it! I wanted the laundry to be done for tomorrow?

If you are a parent and you have ADHD with a 70% chance of accurate medication management then maybe this is your norm? Me? Not so much.

So, as I’m doing the laundry, I come to find my husband isn’t asleep! He’s actually on his fricken phone! I’m like what? Here I thought I could surprise him when he wakes up? HELLO, if you’re not asleep get down here and help me! Isn’t that how it feels though? Right like, unless you’re sleeping, puking, or dead… if I’m doing something, you better be helping or doing something as equally boring.

(Sleeping)

Ok I woke up this morning, cleaned our room, showered, & problem solved by putting all of the stuff on my nightstand in a small box. Our son has eczema so we have a ton of lotions, diaper rash cream, my early morning meds… you name it. I even hung up my towels. It was like… the planets were aligned!

It’s nighttime now again and I have zero motivation to do anything. The towels were left in the dryer. Damn. You’ll have to wait and see what I decide to do. Am I going to surprise everyone, run down- fold- put away… or will I fall into a deep sleep, forget to set my alarm, wake up late and start the day off as I always do? Stay tuned,

@JDuzeski

Mine

My husband and I just finished the 2016 (real life events) movie Mine, written and directed by Fabio Guaglione and Fabio Resinaro.

Caution: don’t read on if you don’t like a spoiler.

I won’t give away the ending, but it has to be one of the best stories I have ever had a chance to experience. A character stands on a mine and basically heals himself and his past by being with himself for a long period of time.

That art has been lost. I defy this perceptive by just writing this blog. I mean, we don’t spend enough time with ourselves, we are as a majority almost completely engaged down to the minute with other people. We don’t spend enough time indulging in our own mind.

The character was able to overcome so many things in his life he endured and put others through. I’m not a movie enthusiast so if the acting’s bad or it’s not the best directed I apologize. But the storyline is absolutely astounding.

When is the last time you sat down, complimented yourself, enjoyed your own company, and maybe discussed what could be better and how? A. A long time and B. seems weird. It’s only weird because you never do it. The local who found him asked him to step forward, but he was too afraid. Even though he never saw the mine, he was confident he was stepping right on one.

Why do we do that? Why do we assume when we are filled with fear? In modern day, I like to call that fear anxiety. So many of us are engaged to it. And we’ve been engaged to it since we can remember so we feel it’s a part of us.

My husband says “if we don’t do the laundry it will pile up”. He’s right, but you don’t know HOW he says it. He literally means it will pile up and never stop and it will take hours and hours to wash everything. It’s unrealistic and frankly annoying. But that’s his anxiety.

The character stayed on the mine not knowing his future because he was afraid of the outcome. The chances of dying were a high 93% from the mine itself. So I get why he didn’t move.

But for the rest of us here not risking death, what’s our reasoning? Why do we not heal, why do we endure and continue on? Why do we experience trauma, pull through, grow older and carry it around?

Why do we have this flame inside of us that is so hot that we will never ever be able to ignore unless we feed it what it wants? But we don’t do we? We feed the body instead, only to find our mind unengaged from our true self. I think they started calling that roboticism? Kidding,

We all have one thing we were meant for and unless we try to feel what that is and start to become it we will just be stuck… standing on a mine, in hopes that we are one of the lucky 7%.

We don’t always just have one passion and we can find happiness in many paths we take. But if you say to yourself, “I wish something was different”… don’t just blow out your birthday cake candles and hope for the best. You need to check to see if it’s a mine you’re truly stepping on. If it is, cover all options and make a choice. If it’s not, take another step forward regardless of how big or painful it may be.

Your life should never be dictated by fear. Fear is a necessity for survival…but typically not within our modern societal walls.

“We can only break free from our fears if we accept the future for exactly what it will be” -@JDuzeski

If you end up watching the movie **comment** below. But then go hang out with yourself! You need it!

-Jess

Parent + ADHD + Nature

So… I don’t know about you other moms out there but when I get my period… I have no clue what’s happening. I’m putting non refrigerated items in the refrigerator, saying words that make no sense, my body is extremely tired but my mind is going 1,000 miles a minute. That could also be in part with not taking my medication? That’s another thing!

When I get my period I care zero percent about everything. ZERO. Meds? Who cares? Kids safety! Who cares! My husband took an alcoholic drink along in the car with us on our way out to eat…. where there will be other alcoholic drinks. I cared but not that much? I mean I was driving but still! In our state… that’s a no no. We had to go two block to my Grandmas and two blocks to the school for the kids to play 4 square. (If you’re wondering if we can play 4 square at our house…. yes, yes you can). Our youngest rode in the front seat! I’m like an outlaw, not taking my meds, “on” ADHD ready to either get arrested or pay a HUGE a$$ fine. I wouldn’t mind getting arrested, but fines. That is THE DUMBEST. If they want to know if fines help people not break the law…yes, I don’t break the law usually because I don’t want to pay a fine.

But this period gettin’ non-medication taken, zero care in the world mom is dangerous. I have to go to work today… where I interact with people all day long! I gotta get my Sh*t together!

If you haven’t tried this: I take a fast acting pill when I wake up, and then another slow release around 9am. Helps me get ready for the morning and stick to a little routine.

I have three kids if you didn’t know. They all spawned from the underworld and are here on earth for one thing, and one thing only… TOTAL DESTRUCTION!!!! Ok fine- but I’m not the best parent so they can be pretty naughty. Having ADHD without religiously taking medication like my life depends on it doesn’t really help any, “Best parent” refers to lack of follow through, my husband hates it and I hate it!

Life is hard when nature is nuts, you have a neurological disorder, and you’re nuts. Good thing about it, is it’s temporary. I remind myself about that often.

“This too shall pass”….good quote but most people forget to add “if you let it”.

Have a great day,

@JDuzeski

Get out your timer!

I wonder what my mom looked like? Did she have curly hair… brown eyes? I guess adoption.com states there was a study done that mentions adoptees have a higher chance of having ADHD. So now that’s another question. Did I inherit it, or was it factored by my adoption? Both? I guess if I were to find out then what? Sometimes we’re so focused on the “how” (Freud…) that we forget about the most important part. What can I do with what I have. Can I exchange it? Has anyone asked? No. Because everyone’s worried about something that can’t be controlled.

“Um ma’am… I know you want to give your baby up for adoption, but didn’t you know she will be at higher risk for ADHD”

“Oh.. really? That’s been… it’s a confirmed study? Ok then never mind, I’ll just keep her- shit I never thought of a name….. Umm what day is it?”

We focus so much on the why…. and not “we” like the scientists that could potentially cure it (stem-cell?) but like everyone else.

I was told by a supervisor of mine one time that the more energy you give someone or something, the more it expands. I thought crap… you’re right. I changed that day. By ONE STATEMENT!

THE MORE ENERGY YOU GIVE TO WHATEVER YOU’RE GIVING IT TO… THE MORE IT EXPANDS.

Here’s an example… I am mad(energy) at my husband for doing… well basically everything he does. (Not True-Jess not on her period). Until my energy changes…I’ll just keep getting more mad AND what I’m focused on (the behavior I’m mad at) expands.

Now when I’m frustrated, I think – can/should it be fixed. If not I let it go and move on. And I’m telling you this is THE TRUTH- when I “let it go” I find I don’t bring it up after that…. it-doesn’t expand. It’s a miracle. I’ve done it my whole life obviously but never knew and never used it when I really should have. If you use it, let me know how it works.

You can’t ignore it, that’s not the same. It’s like Marie Kondo-ing you’re life on a daily basis! You need to LET IT GO! Thank the son of a B and set it free.

If you were adopted and have ADHD I guess you’re part of the statistic. But that’s it… find out what executive functions you’re lagging- connect with me and we’ll figure it out.

CLUE 1: If you think you’re great at telling time? Think again.

-Jess

diy … (lack creativity? It’s O.K.)

Prep: 15min

Time: 2 hr

Total: 2hr 15min

What you’ll need:

Lined or blank paper (a stack)

Pencil & Pen (favorite easy to read colors)

Ruler

Favorite drink

Favorite snack

Favorite Music

Colors of any kind

You’ll first go sit at a table in your home, preferably away from others. You’ll spread out all of your things on the table, grouping “like” items.

It’s at this time you’ll want take a sip or two of your favorite drink while turning on some DMB. (I know…I know I’m alone)

Place blank sheets in front of you, grab the pencil and draw a 3inch circle in the middle. Good. Take another drink. Write your favorite person’s name in it. From that circle, draw sticks going out of the circle, naming each of that person’s personality traits you adore. If you don’t know what personality traits people can encompass, ask Alexa, or OK google, or search the WWW for ideas. This would be a good time to snack and drink while searching.

Now that you have that favorite person down with hopefully many sticks naming off their amazing traits, do it again. Do it with the top 5 people in your life who are amazing.

The diagram should look like a circle with a bunch of uneven sticks poked all over it.

Take another drink and start eating a snack- it might take a little while to think of who those people are. If it’s really difficult, you may be an introvert? Just picture yourself on an island, and whoever you’d have living there with you can be assumed to be your favorite?

Once’s that’s done, repeat the same for food, hobbies, jobs, future desires…really anything you can think of that makes you, you. Just make sure they can be placed into a category.

When finished, draw yourself on a piece of paper the best you can. Then, out of each circle, pick your 3 favorites, writing them around your self image. You will notice some go hand in hand, that’s ok.

Once complete, color it in with the exact clothes you’re wearing as your drawing it.

After 2hr 15min of rigorous work, good food, smooth drinks and great music-you should have successfully finished your “the best life” diy. You can have all of the best diy projects filling your home from corner to corner but unless you know exactly who you are… those “things” won’t hold.

If you were wondering the reason this is an alone project is for the mere fact that perceptions aren’t necessarily reality. Unless you significantly trust someone’s perception of you, they’re not real. Our own perception is usually real to us, whether it’s true or not. And why draw what you’re wearing? It’s a learning tool to help you realize it doesn’t matter who you are… who you want to be, it is matter of fact and that fact is you are sick of not igniting your spark.

#like #comment & #share with your own pufferfish meets porcupine drawing of your project!!!

-Jess

Number 1

They say when you get your first follower…. well actually I haven’t read too much about THE very first follower accumulated by hard work, weird thoughts, and determination yet. But I always say that’s a sure recipe for success.

The very first one. One that starts to read and maybe instantly knows. “kindred spirits”

Or they have a goal to be the first follower in as many blogs as they can?

Regardless, that follow button was clicked and I now can officially say- I blog!

Thank you Number 1.

-@jessduzeski

This is a dog.

This is a picture of a dog.

When we have a conversation with someone, we talk about the something that has happened, something that is happening now, or something that could potentially happen in the future. What’s odd is that, we can say ANYTHING we want about the future. The future can be predicted but I feel that’s not always 100%. Why? Well… because of what we talk about currently,

If I didn’t try for something I want to happen in the future.. will it really happen? Or is it, what is said currently has weigh in. And if it does, why doesn’t it always prevail.

Theory 1: everyone has a specific path and it doesn’t matter what you say or do, things happen.

Theory 2: Effort equals results

Theory 3: There is no systematic scientific reasoning and… shit happens?

What I want to know is why do some people have it easy when they lie, and other don’t? Why is it that Girl 1 might lie constantly and always get what she wants, where Girl 2 (myself) lies VERY minimally and also gets what she wants- but… is working hard for it.

I don’t have the answer to that. All I know is, Girl 2 is living in reality, and Girl 1 is living a fake life. Not fake “bad” just not real? So everything is superficial. And that may not be a bad thing? Whose to say….It’s just difficult because lying is a way to encourage your brain to escape reality and with getting what you want without a struggle proves that theory. And only the person comparing the two has the feeling of dismay.

Moral of the story… because morals have separated most animals from some humans for some time now, is that lying causes an unrealistic life. How can your future be written exactly how you want it when you don’t even know exactly who’s going to be living it? When you lie constantly, relationships become fake, people’s perceptions about you become unreal, and your own perception of yourself becomes cloudy. Living like a dog, when really your a Fox.

Caution: please don’t misconstrue the last sentence with people who are transgender. If their inner voice speaks of that of a different gender- that’s their true self. Think of it as being born looking exactly like a fox but having the burning soul of a dog. Therefore then.. the above picture and title would be true.

-Jess